If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Too much gin, very little bucket
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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