You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
