Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I didn't notice because vodka
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
