I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
