dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
