Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
