Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Who died my cat blue again?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
