Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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