It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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