You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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