Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
