My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I could fuck to npr.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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