I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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