pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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