Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
