Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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