you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize