I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
