dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
