highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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