just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
