is your mom at the bar?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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