i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
