I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
