i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
