I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
