you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
