You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
