So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
