Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
