I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize