WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
