Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
