wakey wakey hands off snakey
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
