My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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