All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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