i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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