You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
