He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
