last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
