And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
