I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
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