Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
