Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
