Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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