He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
