Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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