How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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