i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Can I color on your dick again?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
