Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You're like the curious george of whores
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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