Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
