he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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