its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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