I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
