mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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