cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
